Denture Dilemma

Dear Hot Mama Murgatroyd,

The other day I was eating soft Peanut Brittle.  I ate so much of it that when I took out my dentures they have this gooey peanut-y mess all over and they are now stuck together. The mess is so thick I don't know how to get my dentures clean.  Can you help me?

Signed 

Losing Weight in Cincinnati Ohio

Dear Losing Weight,

I believe the issue is that you're eating soft peanut brittle.  See, peanut brittle is made in two entirely different ways.  The brittle kind is cooked over a high heat until the sugar crystallizes.  The softer kind is full of a chemical called 'glue.'  Yes, I know 'glue' is a very technical term, and probably way above your vocabulary, but bear with me.  Now, when something is glued together, and we need to un-stick it, we use a process called 'hammering'.  Trek your hind end out to your shed.  Keep your mouth closed tightly so that the neighbors don't notice your dilemma and call 911, with the mistaken thought that you're a rabid horse.  Once inside the shed, look around for a 'hammer'.  It's a big thingie with a heavy thingie at the end.  Just randomly pick things up and drop them on your foot.  When one really hurts, you've found the hammer.  Now, take the hammer and stick the pointy end in your mouth.  Bite down.  Gently pull out the hammer while biting down.  If you don't do it gently, you'll have to write me back for instructions on how to sew your cheeks back together and that's definitely a process better left to another day.  After pulling awhile, the dentures will slip loose from your mouth.  At this point, rinse them off with the garden hose and re-insert in your mouth.  There's one last final step that must be accomplished.  Go inside and write your wife a nasty letter and make sure she knows that as your wife it's her job to get BRITTLE peanut brittle instead of the soft kind and that if she's going to continue to poison you, you're going to give her what for!