Cheerleading Squad

Dear Hot Mama Murgatroyd,

Recently, my daughter didn't make the cheerleading squad and I'm so disappointed.  I'm more upset that she's disappointed than anything.  How can I help my daughter through this difficult time?

Thanks,

Rah-less in Raleigh

Dear Rah-less,

First, you are a bad mother.  Don't you know you have to kill people in order to get your child on the cheerleading squad?  Where have you been the past ten years?  In order to get your daughter on the team, you have to have an affair with a mafia hitman that will ensure your daughter's success.  Now that we've set things straight and we all know it's your fault that she didn't get in and not hers, let's move on to your actual question.

Your daughter was not meant to be a cheerleader.  She doesn't have the proper bone structure nor balance.  What she ought to be concentrating on is well digging.  It's a fine profession that not enough young people are interested in these days.  She'd get to wear cool overalls and run some awesome machinery.  Not to mention, she can take that big old machine they use to dig holes and run right over those bony little cheerleaders.  What could be better than that?  Your best bet if you want to help your daughter through this trying time is to go buy her a shovel.  Make it cute though, you don't want her to become gender confused.