Broken Blender

Dear Hot Mama Murgatroyd,

Recently my blender broke.  I use it every morning to make a smoothie for breakfast.  I'd love to replace it, but I can't afford to.  Do you have any suggestions for replacing the blender without having to purchase a new one?

Signed,

No Breakfast in Birmingham

Dear No Breakfast,
First, you need more for breakfast than a smoothie.  Men like a woman with a little boo-tay.  Yes, I do have a way for you to replace your blender without paying a dime for it.  First thing you do is go into your handy spandy closet and pull out those skinny pants you've been trying to get yourself into.  Then you pull out the duct tape and strap those suckers on.  Find a nice flowy top that covers the duct tape.  Tease up your hair and whore up your makeup....just a little though.  If you whore it up too much, you'll end up with a refrigerator.  That won't do you any good.  Now let's think logically.  Where do blenders come from?  Does the blender stork bring them?  No!  Blenders come from coffee shops!  Think!  Work with  me here!  Ok so you take your duct-taped behind down to the local coffee shop and pray a man is working.  If not, you need to lesbian it up a little.  Now here's the tricky part....pay close attention....make sure there are no cops in the shop or anyone with a cell phone pointed at you.  You never know when they'll have their camera on.  Once you've done this part, walk up to the counter and offer sexual favors in return for one of the blenders they have sitting on the counter.  After the counter person stops laughing, stare at them dead in the eye for a minute until they look at you, all sober, and say 'Are you serious?'  Say yes.  One of two things will happen.  They'll say yes, in which case you get to have sex and a new blender.  They'll say no, in which case you use your ninja-like skills and hop over the counter to steal one.  I don't suggest stealing one, but you gotta do what you gotta do.