How Do I Deal With Cheating Boyfriend?

Dear Hot Mama,

I just found out that the guy I've been dating has been romancing one of my best friends behind my back.  I'm confused and hurt.  I haven't confronted either of them yet, but I have proof.  I'm hurt and angry and I feel betrayed.  What's the best way for me to handle this?

Heartbroken in Hoboken

Dear Heartbroken,

The only thing worse than a cheater is a cheater with your friend.  It doubles the pain, doubles the fun...I mean hurt.  You have two people that have hurt you here.  So, logically, what do we do when people hurt us?  Very good!  We get even!  First you need to take care of that pesky friend.  She still might be salvageable.  Round up all your other friends and go out on a 'picnic'.  Make sure the spot has a really deep well that you can easily uncover before getting there.  In the middle of your 'picnic', call your cheating friend over to sit and have a little chat with you by the well.  Then push her lieing butt right in.  Don't let her out until she cries and gives you an apology you believe.  If you don't believe it, well nobody has to know she's there.  As for the boyfriend, well let's be honest...he's a man.  What did you expect?  That's what they do.  They cheat.  Now I'm not going to tell you to use the usual methods of revenge for him.  Losing sixty pounds will only make you feel better.  He's not really going to care.  He's already got backups lined up for you!  Sleeping with his best friend and showing him the video won't matter.  That'll only increase his erection.  I'm sure you've heard of the famous 'wood chipper' plan, but I've got a great variation on it.  It's called 'tie his butt to a tree and whack his tallywhacker with a weedeater until it bleeds'.  I know, this sounds very technical, but I assure you, it can be done.  Not only can it be done, but as he screams bloody murder (quite literally), you'll find yourself smiling and wondering what you ever saw in the wuss to begin with.

Should I Cut My Hair?

Dear Hot Mama Murgatroyd,

I've been thinking for awhile of cutting my hair.  It's taken me years to grow it out this long, but I think I'm ready for something different.  Should I cut it?  

Thanks,

Too Many Locks in Tuscany

Dear Too Many Locks,

Are you kidding me?  You're asking me if you should cut your hair?!  MUAHAHAHAHA!  Since you're stupid enough to ask, I'm going to be stupid enough to answer!  No wait!  Smart enough!  Yeah, that's it!  I'll be smart enough to answer!

Yes!  Definitely cut your hair!  I hear that the mullet is making a comeback with a twist.  Instead of party in the back and business in the front, it's mohawk on the top.  Leave the back nice and long, shave the sides of your head, and get a nice mohawk on the top of your head.  Don't add color though.  Color is for losers and psychopathic leprechauns.  Also, don't forget to take out any piercings you  may have.  You don't want to give people the impression that you're cool.  After all, you're asking some random person on the web if you should cut your hair.  Uncool, Dude!  Uncool!

Be sure to come back and let me know what your friends think of your new trendsetting!  *snigger snigger*

Cheerleading Squad

Dear Hot Mama Murgatroyd,

Recently, my daughter didn't make the cheerleading squad and I'm so disappointed.  I'm more upset that she's disappointed than anything.  How can I help my daughter through this difficult time?

Thanks,

Rah-less in Raleigh

Dear Rah-less,

First, you are a bad mother.  Don't you know you have to kill people in order to get your child on the cheerleading squad?  Where have you been the past ten years?  In order to get your daughter on the team, you have to have an affair with a mafia hitman that will ensure your daughter's success.  Now that we've set things straight and we all know it's your fault that she didn't get in and not hers, let's move on to your actual question.

Your daughter was not meant to be a cheerleader.  She doesn't have the proper bone structure nor balance.  What she ought to be concentrating on is well digging.  It's a fine profession that not enough young people are interested in these days.  She'd get to wear cool overalls and run some awesome machinery.  Not to mention, she can take that big old machine they use to dig holes and run right over those bony little cheerleaders.  What could be better than that?  Your best bet if you want to help your daughter through this trying time is to go buy her a shovel.  Make it cute though, you don't want her to become gender confused.

Broken Washing Machine

Dear Hot Mama Murgatroyd,

Please help. My washing machine is really old and I can't afford to buy a new one and this one is possessed by the devil I believe. Every time my washing machine gets to a spin cycle it bounces all over my laundry room and makes a horrendous clattering sound like a banshee. How can I make my poor old machine last longer and be quiet? Thank you for having a place to turn for help.

Roger Hiddenman  Plentywood, Montana

 

Dear Roger,

You're actually pretty close on your assumption.  The washer is not actually possessed by the devil, however.  It's possessed by Bob Gunter.  I'm betting you have an XBox 360 or a PS 3 in your house.  That's how he enters and begins to control your machinery.  Bob Gunter played the coach in Maximum Overdrive.  What few people know is that the reason Stephen King wrote and directed it, is that Bob Gunter had already taken over his brain.  The movie is actually based on what Gunter does in real life, control machines.  Then it seems that the machines have lives of their own, but they really don't.  In the beginning, Gunter could gain access through nearly any machinery that he'd had contact with.  With today's advances being what they are, he now uses video games to infiltrate homes.

All is not lost though!  To appease Gunter and exorcise your washer is very simple!  Pick up your phone and call an electrician.  I know, they're scarce, but if you can find one, the results will be amazing.  These 'electricians' are blessed with amazing magical abilities.  After a few hours, they'll be able to set Gunter free from your home!  Then you can get back to riding the machine like normal without having to wear combat gear!

Is Jon Heder Hot?

Dear Hot Mama Murgatroyd,

My wife and I have a bet and we're hoping you can settle it for us. She says that Jon Heder is really cute. I say that he is ugly as sin and as bright as a broken headlight. We're betting for dinner here at Le Meurice in Paris, France. 

Signed,

Betting my Butt off in Vancouver, British Columbia

Dear Betting my Butt off,

Before I answer this, I have to say that you're an idiot unless you're a newlywed.  The wife is ALWAYS right!  In spite of this world-renowned knowledge, your wife is right.  Jon Heder is hot!  Look at the picture above to see my examples.  Notice the vacant expression?  That shows that he's not all that bright, meaning he's capable of holding down a job and making enough money to support the family but at the same time he's not going to stand up to a woman.  That look says 'Hey!  I know you're smarter than me!  Walk all over me!'  Secondly, look at the lips.  Those lips were meant for kissing!  Kissing butt, that is!  See how plump both the upper and bottom lip are?  Those combine to make perfect suction!  Now, lastly, notice the wiry, curled hair?  That hair says 'I'm never gonna leave you because I'm thankful to have any woman.'  What turns women on?  That's easy!  Money, stability and a compliant man.  Heder's never going to stand up to a woman unless she tells him to and that is hot, hot, hot! 


I have to add that Paris is not a good choice.  Take the wife out west to a Bunny Ranch so that she can see how vastly superior she is to all the other women that YOU lust after!  


On a personal note:  I'd do him :D

Denture Dilemma

Dear Hot Mama Murgatroyd,

The other day I was eating soft Peanut Brittle.  I ate so much of it that when I took out my dentures they have this gooey peanut-y mess all over and they are now stuck together. The mess is so thick I don't know how to get my dentures clean.  Can you help me?

Signed 

Losing Weight in Cincinnati Ohio

Dear Losing Weight,

I believe the issue is that you're eating soft peanut brittle.  See, peanut brittle is made in two entirely different ways.  The brittle kind is cooked over a high heat until the sugar crystallizes.  The softer kind is full of a chemical called 'glue.'  Yes, I know 'glue' is a very technical term, and probably way above your vocabulary, but bear with me.  Now, when something is glued together, and we need to un-stick it, we use a process called 'hammering'.  Trek your hind end out to your shed.  Keep your mouth closed tightly so that the neighbors don't notice your dilemma and call 911, with the mistaken thought that you're a rabid horse.  Once inside the shed, look around for a 'hammer'.  It's a big thingie with a heavy thingie at the end.  Just randomly pick things up and drop them on your foot.  When one really hurts, you've found the hammer.  Now, take the hammer and stick the pointy end in your mouth.  Bite down.  Gently pull out the hammer while biting down.  If you don't do it gently, you'll have to write me back for instructions on how to sew your cheeks back together and that's definitely a process better left to another day.  After pulling awhile, the dentures will slip loose from your mouth.  At this point, rinse them off with the garden hose and re-insert in your mouth.  There's one last final step that must be accomplished.  Go inside and write your wife a nasty letter and make sure she knows that as your wife it's her job to get BRITTLE peanut brittle instead of the soft kind and that if she's going to continue to poison you, you're going to give her what for!

Broken Blender

Dear Hot Mama Murgatroyd,

Recently my blender broke.  I use it every morning to make a smoothie for breakfast.  I'd love to replace it, but I can't afford to.  Do you have any suggestions for replacing the blender without having to purchase a new one?

Signed,

No Breakfast in Birmingham

Dear No Breakfast,
First, you need more for breakfast than a smoothie.  Men like a woman with a little boo-tay.  Yes, I do have a way for you to replace your blender without paying a dime for it.  First thing you do is go into your handy spandy closet and pull out those skinny pants you've been trying to get yourself into.  Then you pull out the duct tape and strap those suckers on.  Find a nice flowy top that covers the duct tape.  Tease up your hair and whore up your makeup....just a little though.  If you whore it up too much, you'll end up with a refrigerator.  That won't do you any good.  Now let's think logically.  Where do blenders come from?  Does the blender stork bring them?  No!  Blenders come from coffee shops!  Think!  Work with  me here!  Ok so you take your duct-taped behind down to the local coffee shop and pray a man is working.  If not, you need to lesbian it up a little.  Now here's the tricky part....pay close attention....make sure there are no cops in the shop or anyone with a cell phone pointed at you.  You never know when they'll have their camera on.  Once you've done this part, walk up to the counter and offer sexual favors in return for one of the blenders they have sitting on the counter.  After the counter person stops laughing, stare at them dead in the eye for a minute until they look at you, all sober, and say 'Are you serious?'  Say yes.  One of two things will happen.  They'll say yes, in which case you get to have sex and a new blender.  They'll say no, in which case you use your ninja-like skills and hop over the counter to steal one.  I don't suggest stealing one, but you gotta do what you gotta do.